We’ve all heard it: “It’s happening FOR you, not TO you.” And when you’re in the middle of heartbreak, stress, loss or some other life-altering shit? It might be the last thing you want to hear. But what if there’s a reason this frustrating advice sticks around? In this episode, we’re getting into the uncomfortable space between toxic positivity and a genuinely helpful mindset shift — and what it can look like when you’re finally ready to stop carrying the past with you. If you’re a woman working on emotional healing, personal growth, changing your mindset and creating a life that actually feels good to live, grab a drink and get comfy. This one might challenge you.

• Why good advice can be completely wrong depending on when you hear it

• The belief I have about being supported and guided through even the situations I would NEVER choose

• Some very personal experiences that changed the way I look at pain, loss and major life changes

• Where acceptance fits in when you absolutely do not want to pretend what happened was okay

• How to know whether you’re actually ready to look at a painful situation differently

• The questions I use when I want to stop feeling stuck and start seeing a situation through a new lens

If you’re a woman with big dreams and a scattered mind, I can help you get clarity on the next step you need to take towards your dreams. Grab a drink, and let's chat! Set aside 15 minutes to see if we're a good fit here.

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You've got free resources and goodies waiting for you here.

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Come say hi on socials! I’m @karolina.autumn

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Subscribing or leaving a review is a simple way to support the show and help it reach the right people. I appreciate it more than you know.

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TRANSCRIPT

0:00

Have you ever been going through a tough time and someone says don't worry, it's happening for you, not to you, and in that moment you want to throttle them?

I'm guilty of being on both sides of this terrible advice, and while it may be the worst thing to say in the moment, it doesn't change the fact that it's true.

0:21

I posted about this topic on socials this week and someone tried to fight me about it.

So let's get one thing clear before we go any further.

If you think you're a positive person and you see the best in life, but you're dead set on playing the victim card on this topic, I'll save you some time.

0:42

This podcast is not for you.

No thanks.

Unsubscribe.

Also, if you are currently going through something, you might not yet be ready for this advice, so maybe save it and come back to it later.

0:58

But if you're here because you've moved through the bulk of your pain, stress, or frustration, you genuinely want to let things go.

Free yourself and find the best in life for yourself.

You, my friend, are in the right place.

1:15

In today's episode, we're discussing several sides of this advice, how you can use it to free yourself from emotional baggage, and give you practical tips to help turn around these situations so you can move on with your life and let the shit from the past.

1:30

GTFO O grab a drink and get comfy and buckle up because this episode will be controversial.

Oh hi there, we've been waiting for you.

Let me guess, you have a feeling inside that something isn't right and a change needs to be made, but you're not exactly sure what that is or how to go about it.

1:53

You found us at the perfect time around here.

We don't believe in doing things just because that's how it's always been done.

Waiting for someday to go after our dream life or having backup plans.

We believe in creating our own custom life full of things that light our souls all the way up and knowing that deep down we owe it to ourselves to try and make it happen.

2:19

It all starts by saying no thanks to that same shit, different day hamster wheel and unsubscribing from that way of living.

Being here means you're taking that first step towards something better for yourself.

We are so glad to have you.

2:35

This is more than a podcast.

It's a movement.

I'm your host, Carolina, welcome to No thanks.

Unsubscribe.

Hello.

2:53

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome.

Welcome.

Welcome.

I guess you are one of the few who want to let things go, free yourself and find the best in life.

Yes, Queen, you are in the right place.

How are you doing today and what do you have to drink?

3:09

I have my trusty water bottle here.

I had a wonderful lemon, ginger and honey tea earlier.

Chefs kiss so good, but now we just has the water.

Before we get into things, I want to be very clear that this advice in no way makes what you went through OK.

3:35

That is not the point of this advice.

It does not validate it, it does not make it right, and it does not mean you deserve it.

OK cool.

That is not what this advice means at all so just want to clear that up.

3:58

I am of the belief that no matter what you are going through or have gone through, life is always giving you tools that you're going to need in the future.

Like there's always this expression of like you're, you can't actually go through something that you're not strong enough to go through.

4:21

Again, that doesn't make it OK.

That doesn't make it something you want to go through, but what if something's coming in the future and you need this strength and resilience that you're getting now, and that thing in the future doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing?

4:39

What if you're going to all of a sudden start doing these like Tough Mudder mud runs and you need this resilience that you're building up?

I don't know.

I am not a psychic.

I don't know life plans.

I don't know why your soul is here, but I believe that we're always being pushed in ways that we need.

5:00

Whatever you're going through now might be a struggle, but it might actually create some kind of a liberation that you've been praying for.

And that doesn't mean it has to come in a way that you actually want it to.

You know, like sometimes these liberation moments come through pain and it is what it is.

5:21

It doesn't make it right, it just is.

You prayed for, you know, liberation.

You prayed for peace.

And maybe this is the path to get there.

Who's to say we don't get to decide?

Life is really weird.

Like, it is super weird.

5:37

And so like, we ask for something.

The universe is like, all right, here you go.

And you're like, I didn't want that.

I wanted this thing.

The universe is like, well, the thing you want is on the other side of this.

This is the fastest way to get there.

Maybe it's painful, but this is the fastest way to get there.

So do you still want this thing?

5:53

Because otherwise you're going to be stuck where you are and it's going to take 10 times longer to get there.

You know what I mean?

Like that's the belief I have.

So and we'll get into more of this as we get through the episode.

6:11

And I'm going to give you some things that you can do to, like, help yourself as you're navigating these weird, confusing lifetimes and how you can, like, turn things around.

So also, before we get any further, I just want to take a moment to have a quick little celebration.

6:32

The podcast is turning to this week.

Oh my gosh, it's actually turning 2 the day this episode is launching.

I am launching a day late this week intentionally because of this.

6:48

Normally I'm like, I don't really care what the date on the calendar is person, but I this is was a a little big step that I took in my own life towards my dreams.

And I'm so proud of myself for sticking with this for two whole years, even though, as you can tell, this is episode 79.

7:06

So I did not release 1 episode a week, but I showed up for the show.

I used to believe that who was going to listen to me?

Who's going to want to hear what I have to say?

And now I've stuck with this for two years and it's just putting me that much closer to my dream life.

7:23

And so just wanted to share living proof of like these little steps that you're taking and this little step that I took, you know, even if it's not exactly where you want to be, it's taking you to where you want to be, you know, and that's not to say I don't love the show.

7:41

I absolutely adore this show.

Love showing U and having these chats with you.

So like let's go and like celebrating 2 years of the show.

Boo Boo Boo Boo.

I don't drink, but if I did, I would pop the champagne right now.

7:58

So cheers.

I'll take a sip of water for that, please.

Cheers with me.

All right, OK, so I know I call this terrible advice.

8:17

You know, things aren't happening to you, they're happening for you.

OK, so I call it terrible, but I also say that it's true.

How can both things be true at the same time?

And it's really timing.

8:35

It's it's terrible advice because and, and I have a story I will share with you in in a few seconds here of the timing of this kind of advice.

And like when you first learn it and it lands for you, you want to scream it from the rooftops and share it with everybody.

8:52

But the problem is, when someone is hurting, it can feel incredibly dismissive when this is thrown in your face.

And that's not the point of this advice.

9:08

The point of this advice is to have emotional liberation, and I believe that's the intention behind it.

That was my intention behind it when I gave this terrible advice.

But that's what makes it both terrible and true.

It's, it's true because like I've said about my beliefs and I believe that everything's happening for us.

9:30

It's the quickest way to get to where we want to go.

We're praying for these things, even if it doesn't come the way we think we want.

Like we've prayed for these things.

That's what we're getting.

And and before we get any further with this too, I understand that this is probably not the case for everyone.

9:48

If someone's gone through some kind of horrible situation in your life, I can't speak to that.

I'm talking about like, I don't know, the stuff that I've gone through in my life anyway.

And I think the stuff the average person who would be listening to the show is going through, like, I don't know, I can't speak to to any of those like bigger, scarier traumas.

10:13

I'm I'm just, you know, I'm not qualified for that And, and I do have notes to touch on that again later, but a, a lot of not great things have happened to me in my life.

But we're not comparing traumas.

10:29

Like it doesn't do us any good to compare traumas.

It's like that, that thing we all heard.

And I don't know if you had did I did hearing it growing up is like you need to eat the food on your plate because children are starving in Africa.

And it's like, OK, well, just because something horrible is happening somewhere else doesn't like like we don't compare traumas.

10:50

Like just because something horrible is happening there, it doesn't make the thing you're going through any less and and vice versa.

And so I just want to address that as well because I understand, like I said, this is a controversial topic because someone who's been raped will be like, well, I didn't, I didn't manifest that.

11:08

And I don't think you did.

Like, I don't think any of us are intentionally manifesting.

I didn't manifest for the man that I loved to literally move his shit out in the middle of the night and abandon me.

Like I didn't, I don't, I don't believe I consciously manifested that.

11:25

That doesn't make it OK.

Someone in an abusive relationship, that doesn't make it OK.

Like I said, it does not make the situation OK, but I truly believe that on the other side of these things, who we become is what we needed from that.

11:44

It's not the actual event.

You know, it's not like someone needs to go through like a car accident and, you know, have to go through all this rehab.

But who do you become from having to do those things?

Like we're going to talk about this more in today's episode.

11:59

I have so many like of these questions you can ask yourself of like, you know, who did you become on the other side of that?

Because that's the part that it's doing for you.

It's not the actual event.

It's who you become on the other side of that, who I became from all the shit that I went through in my life.

12:19

I fucking love myself and I used to say I would never even be friends with myself.

So yeah.

Do I want all that stuff to happen to me again?

Absolutely fucking not.

Would I want to relive it?

No, absolutely fucking not.

But who I became on the other side of that is the version of me that I've been praying for my entire life.

12:44

I wanted to be someone who was confident.

The universe is like, all right, we'll put you through these situations to help you become that, you know, like I want to be someone who self resilient.

The universe like, alright, we're going to have this.

We're going to have someone abandon you so that you have to you are physically put through how to become self resilient, you know, and people go through that in different ways in their life, you know.

13:08

Anyway, This is why this advice can be terrible but also true.

It's just timing.

Anyway, we'll go back to my notes here.

I got, I got a little ahead of myself.

All that stuff is, is later in the notes here and it feels so emotional because like, I don't know, we've all gone through like some shit.

13:31

Like nobody's life is perfect.

Even people that we look up to and we think their life is perfect.

I guarantee you if they were sitting down in front of you, they would have their own struggles.

And that's why I'm saying we don't trauma compare, Like we don't compare the things we've gone through because what's hard for one person is not necessarily hard for another.

13:50

And what someone else's struggle is not someone else's struggle.

That's what makes us all unique.

That's what makes us all different pieces of the puzzle.

So it, it is what it is.

OK, so here's what happened in in my life when I gave this advice because I had recently learned this.

14:10

My friend was hurting.

She's gone through a breakup.

She was so sad and we were at dinner and I was like, I'm friends with her whole family.

So like, her mom was there, her sister was there, her dad was there, and she was so sad.

14:28

But like also she knew it was like the right thing, I guess.

But it was still fresh.

It was way too fresh, and that's something I've had to learn in my life and experiences like this.

Would I want to relive saying this to her?

14:44

No, but it helped me learn timing.

It helped me learn.

Oh, like I shouldn't do that.

Like that's not an appropriate thing to say at the time.

It is later, but not at the time.

15:00

And she said that and, and I said, you know, it's not happening to you.

It's happening for you.

And both her and her mom, like shot daggers at me with their eyes.

Like it was, it was not a fun thing.

15:17

It's not a fun thing to feel, especially when you're trying to help because like then you, you, you feel worse because you're like, well, I was just trying to help, you know, and you can see how liberating this advice can be.

But like I said, it's timing.

15:32

And we're going to get to this later in the episode 2 where we talk about, um, healing through what you're feeling for.

And like this advice has its place.

And it's not when things are fresh because as humans, we're going through these human emotions.

15:47

We have to feel what we're feeling.

And that was the case with my friend.

She had to feel what she was feeling.

That's how you get to the place where you can use what it is.

Because I don't think it's useful if you're still hanging on to those emotions.

16:04

And that's why I had that, like, disclaimer at the beginning.

Like you can't accept this kind of shift until you've moved through that pain.

Because I think it's 1,000,000% OK to sit there and be like, why is this happening to me?

16:22

Why did this have to happen to me?

Like that's OK to feel.

That's OK to think.

Let yourself feel them.

Let yourself move through it.

Because on the other side of that too is when you can alley this shift.

And as you know, as humans with these full range of emotions, we got to feel it all.

16:42

And on the other side of feeling it all, that's when you have this liberation.

So and and like, like I say, like no one ever knows the right thing to say in the moment.

Like that's the thing your friends hurting and you don't know what to say.

Like as, as a little aside, like I said, this taught me timing and, and understanding.

17:04

And there's a bunch of other things that have happened in my life since then too, that have helped me become a much more compassionate person.

And it, it's these kinds of experiences, like I'm a three six in human design.

The three is trial and error and I have to learn from my own experimentation.

17:19

And this was part of that.

And I feel like I'm a much more compassionate person now because of situations like this.

Like I, I've really been trying hard to work on this.

And if anyone's curious because they're going through their own, like, you know, trying to figure out what to say journey.

17:36

Like, I feel like the best thing to do is just to listen, to hold that space for that person, Like hear them out, don't give any advice, do not give any advice.

And just mirror the things they're saying.

Like if they're like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sad.

17:54

And then you're just like, yeah, that that is a really sad thing you're going through.

You know, just like mirroring and just being there with them and like helping them.

Like, you know, asking them if they need a hug or just being there.

You know, like telling them they're not alone, like that kind of stuff.

18:13

Anyway, that's just a little aside.

That's that's what I learned from from that experience.

But so why does this advice suck in the moment?

I touched on this a little bit, but in case anyone just learned this, they're so excited to tell everybody, share it with the world, shout it from the rooftop.

18:33

Let me tell you, like I said, if the wound is fresh, your advice will not land.

The advice in and of itself is not wrong, it's just misplaced and it feels incredibly dismissive when someone says that.

18:49

That's why you need to feel through your feelings first.

That's why you need to go through that full spectrum of processing before you can actually hear it, and that's why I think that person was trying to fight me on social media.

They claimed that they were healed but that's clearly not the case based on their response.

19:10

Like I I truly believe anyone who's fully processed their emotions will see that this is the case because they'll see.

Well, I actually have another this.

I have another opinion on this too but I don't want to get like too ahead of my notes here because I was very thoughtful and intentional here.

19:28

But I do feel like OK I'll just save that.

Sorry not to be a tease.

Stick around to hear that answer.

It feels incredibly dismissive in the moment and it can feel triggering because you're in emotional upheaval, you know, like you need compassion, you need, you need to process what you're feeling.

19:52

So that's why that's why this advice can be terrible.

It's not wrong, like I said, it's not wrong.

It's just, it's just can feel incredibly terrible in the moment.

So here's a new new perspective, new shift, other ways to look at it.

20:17

So I have some other episodes on, you know, like toxic gratitude and stuff.

So I just want to first address this in case you're thinking it like, isn't looking for the positive in something terrible just another form of toxic positivity And what's the difference?

20:39

Great question.

It's not about, and this is the thing I had that whole episode on, like the toxic side of the attitude of gratitude.

They're not trying to gaslight you.

It doesn't make the thing OK, like I've said.

20:58

And that's the thing.

You're not trying to look at the thing and and well, it's like it, it's good thing I got raped.

No, that's not what we're saying at all.

That is not this at all.

Like I like I said, it's who did you become because of that?

21:16

Is there something that you were able to step into that maybe you didn't before that was able to help you or like maybe there's a way that you like for me with my divorce, it forced me to move across the country, like back in with my family and like reconnect with some people.

21:38

And if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have met the man that I'm with right now.

So it's not toxic positivity because am I saying divorce is OK?

No.

Am I saying I'm so happy, I'm so happy that I married this man and everything was wrong and it fell apart?

21:54

No, that's not what we're doing here.

We're not trying to find the positive in the actual situation.

We're trying to find the positive and the outcome.

Like I'm grateful for the freedom that I have because of that divorce.

22:16

I'm grateful that I'm living where I live because I wouldn't have met my boyfriend otherwise.

So it's like I was able to use up that situation and find how like, you're not always able to do this when you're in the moment because you still feel, you know, like a victim.

22:39

You, you still feel like how, how could this have happened to me?

How could I have let this happen?

Like, again, you know, if you're going through another breakup, it's like, how could this have happened again?

How could I have let this happen?

You're allowed to feel those things.

And that doesn't that doesn't make the actual thing OK.

So that's the difference here.

22:57

I hope that makes sense.

You can always DM me if you have questions.

And so the perspective shift, like I touched on it already about life and the things going through life.

23:12

Apparently this perspective this this way to look at things is called pronoia, not paranoia.

Like pronoia definition is a psychological and philosophical concept defined as the opposite of paranoia.

23:33

It's a state of mind in which an individual believes the world, the universe, and other people are secretly conspiring to help, support and do good for them.

So I learned that word this week.

And Yep, that's me.

I I absolutely believe that.

23:50

I 100% believe that the universe made my ex-husband decide he needed to leave me at the perfect time.

We're obviously never going to know because we're humans in meat suits and we don't know those things.

24:07

But we don't need to know.

It doesn't matter.

I believe everything is happening for good and exactly for me.

And wouldn't you rather go through life believing everything is happening for you?

Like what benefit is it to you to believe that everything is awful?

24:26

There is no benefit to that.

It's putting you in an awful state emotionally and physically because there's stress related to that, and mentally because then you think everyone's out to get you.

And like, I would rather go through life believing the good in people because then I go through life happy and joyful.

24:48

And honestly, if you're not happy, what's the point?

I haven't said that in a minute.

Like, if we're not having fun, what's the point?

And that's not to say every moment has to be fun, because without, without the bad, the good wouldn't feel as good.

25:07

Like we have this big spectrum of human emotions.

We're meant to feel all of it.

And The thing is, if you're sitting there believing that these bad things are, you know, awful and horrible, and yeah, some of them are, but like, it's not serving you to sit in that energy.

25:26

That's why I'm saying move through it, you know, feel what you feel, but move through it.

Don't stay stuck in it, you know, and this is that shift.

And I believe we're always supported.

25:42

I believe we're always guided.

I believe we're always being given exactly what we need.

Even if, like I said before, even if it's a wolf in sheep's clothing, you know, like it doesn't, it doesn't feel good in the moment or a sheep in wolf's clothing, I don't know.

26:00

But like, it doesn't feel good in the moment, but like everything bad that's happened to me has felt absolutely horrible in the moment.

And I am so proud of the woman I've become, and I don't believe I would be here if it hadn't been for those situations.

26:16

So you always get to choose like you always get to choose how you look at things.

And if you want to believe that everything is horrible and nothing's everything's happening to you, you're playing the victim card.

And like, again, this podcast isn't for you if that's the case because like, I don't believe any of us are victims.

26:42

We're all going through life.

And I believe our souls subscribed to this life.

Our souls knew what they were getting into and they subscribed to it.

And as a human, you have free will to go through whatever you want to go through.

27:00

Like like you can choose to look on the bright side or you can choose to not look on the bright side.

That's your free will, and I'm here to help you choose the bright side.

And if you don't want the bright side again, why are you here?

This isn't for you now that those people are gone.

27:19

Just kidding.

Anyway, I I don't believe we're ever being punished.

I don't believe life works that way.

I, I believe like if we have these dreams and we want to be, you know, like I said earlier, we, we want to be a certain person, a certain version of ourselves and the universe is like, OK, this is the fastest way to get there.

27:40

They're always going to give us the fastest way first, I think.

I don't think they're ever going to drag things on for us.

They're like, OK, here's your vision.

Here's where you have to go, and maybe that's just not a pleasant way to go through it.

And you can always say no to that thing.

27:58

And you free will man.

You can do whatever you want.

You can choose to see it however you want.

And no matter what you're going through, I believe life is giving you the tools you'll need in the future.

28:19

So it's not always so black and white of like being sad about it or being happy about it, like, or like it happened for good or it happened for bad.

Because like it could be giving you a new perspective.

It could be giving you thicker skin.

28:34

It could be giving you better boundaries.

It could be giving you like navigation skills.

It could be giving you clarity.

It could be giving you resilience.

Like it could be like me pushing you to move to a different place you wouldn't otherwise be.

Like all these things are happening and it might not be a clear cut thing where you can tell, oh, this exact thing gave me this one thing.

28:58

Like I believe my divorce gave me all of those things, you know, and like I said, do I ever want to be back in that moment?

No.

And we never know in the moment what we're getting out of it.

That's why I believe we need to feel through what we're feeling because you don't want any of that stuff stuck with you.

29:16

Feel through the bad so you can get back to the good.

It's like we have to get through nighttime before we can have the sunshine again.

We have to get through winter before we can have summer again.

That's just life.

Life works that way.

No, it's way more simple than we as humans give it credit for.

29:38

I truly believe we're always being guided in ways that will support us down the line, even though we like, we never know in the moment.

That's why hindsight is 2020 is such an accurate expression, you know, and some of the stuff we've been through in our life, maybe we don't even get that clarity until we're like 80, you know?

29:56

Who knows?

I don't know.

The older I get the more clarity I feel and also the less shit that I care about.

I don't know but anyway it doesn't make these situations better.

And like I said, do I want these things to happen again?

No absolutely not.

Like would I want to be back in that living room blindsided the day my ex-husband told me he moved his shit out in the middle of the night and he was leaving me?

30:18

No, again, we're not.

I'm not saying that makes that OK.

Abandoning another human being is not OK.

Like putting himself first, sure maybe that's OK for him.

But having someone else relies on you and and abandoning that person with no warning, no that's not OK.

30:41

But now that I'm 2 1/2 years out of that situation, I can see, like I've said, had it not been for that life changing moment, I wouldn't be living where I am right now.

I wouldn't be in the relationship I'm currently in.

30:57

I wouldn't have been able to make the moves that I did in my business.

He was, and I've thought this a bunch.

He was probably holding me back in ways that I didn't realize.

And I needed this like liberation in order to push me into who I am today.

31:17

I needed that liberation to be able to take these moves and take these risks that I couldn't have done if I was in that marriage.

Because in a marriage, it's like, oh, well, you know, we're both here.

We have to make decisions together.

And now I'm like, no thanks, Unsubscribe from that life because I want to make my own fucking decisions that aren't dependent on another person.

31:39

I already have to make decisions based on my dog.

So someone's got to feed him, someone's got to take him out.

You know, that's good enough for me anyway.

And, and again, like what?

I want to relive the day I found out one of my best friends died at 38 and he had no idea he was sick and no one got to say goodbye.

32:01

No, I would not.

I absolutely would not and I miss him so much.

But now that I am like, I don't know how long it's been, 4 years, maybe three years, four years.

32:16

I don't know since then.

That experience helped me appreciate that we never know how much time we have on earth and we need to seize the moment today because today is all we ever actually have.

32:37

You woke up today.

Great.

How am I going to seize the day?

Because what if you don't wake up?

My one aunt, she was like, I'm kind of tired.

I'm going to go have a nap.

Granted, she was older, but still.

She's like, I'm going to go have a nap.

Her husband's like, OK, never fucking woke up.

32:52

Like we don't know what's going to happen.

Like, why not?

Like that's the other thing about this advice.

It's like you're sitting in this sadness.

Yes, something shitty happened to you in your life.

OK.

You're sitting in this sadness in your sad soup.

33:10

You're living in sad soup land.

Get out of the bowl.

Like yes it happened.

The whole point of this advice is so that you can move the fuck on with your life.

You're not sitting there anymore.

You're moving.

That's why like, if you're, if you're, if you're still upset about the things that happen to you, you should probably go seek help.

33:35

I'm not qualified to diagnose things.

I just think if you're still feeling upset about those things, seek help so you can move on.

Don't you want to move on?

Like this is the thing I learned from my friend dying.

It's like life is so short.

33:52

Why do we want to live in sad soup?

Like, I don't want to live there.

Yes, the shitty things happened.

There's so many more shitty things that I could even want to think about while I'm writing this episode.

But like, that doesn't mean you have to live in that space, in that energy.

34:07

And that's how that stuff happened for you.

Because look at this resilience you get when you can learn.

OK, cool.

I'm just going to let that shit fucking go.

I envied these people most of my life because I never understood the concept of letting things go.

I remember having this conversation with someone, I was like, but how do you let it go?

34:24

And they're like, you just do.

And I'm like, well, that's not helpful, But that's really the more you experience, the more you get to this state of like, you just have to make the choice and the decision that you don't want to carry that thing anymore.

34:43

It's the whole visual of like people carrying baggage and they've got all this luggage, you know, and then you just decide to put it down.

And it's one of those things that is so abstract that you have to apply a visual metaphor to understand it.

34:59

Anything that you're not putting down.

It's like when I'm saying sad soup, you're carrying the tomatoes and the potatoes and the, you know, the carrots and like you're carrying all those things, like all this luggage stuff and, and it's just on you.

35:15

And when you make the conscious choice of like, I don't want to carry this anymore, and you put it down, and there's a lot of other techniques you can use to put things down.

I'm going to reference a couple of them later, but you're choosing that you want better for yourself.

35:36

You're choosing that you just want to leave the past in the past.

It was shitty, but you want the best for your future and so you're going to look at today and be grateful for today and move the fuck on.

That's really the episode in a nutshell.

35:53

Like that's the point of this advice.

And again, what I wish any of these horrible things to happen to anyone.

No, absolutely not.

But they help you.

They must be helping you in some way to get to be the person you want to be or or do something you want to do or be somewhere in your life.

36:16

O.

I talk a lot about believing that we're always supported and guided and like this question is, is really tricky.

36:35

It's like, how has that belief changed the way I personally handle difficult situations?

And I wanted to answer this particular question specifically because I always looked at people who were like spiritual or more advanced than me.

36:52

Even with the letting go stuff, I'm like how did you get there and how do you navigate the hard stuff now?

And the answer is, I don't navigate the hard stuff any different than I did before.

The difference is that now I know that I deserve better.

37:12

I know that I need to feel the feelings and move through them.

I know more who I want to be.

And even if I react poorly in the moment, I have these tools and techniques in place that I didn't have before to be able to support myself.

37:31

Like I have my meditation practice, I have my sound healing instruments to be able to like calm myself and get myself back to a good space.

I have this self love that I didn't have before so that I can come back to myself and know that I deserve better.

37:49

And I know now that I'm not scared of my negative emotions.

And I know also from my sovereign self method that I, my feelings are not something to be scared of.

38:07

And through my method, I was able to learn that I was trying to push in these emotions so that I wouldn't have to feel them.

But that's what creates stuckness in your body.

And so when you feel through these emotions and you know you're not scared of them, it helps you navigate.

38:27

It doesn't help you handle the difficult situation in the moment.

You're still, you know, shocked, you're still processing, you still need to go through all those things.

It's just the more you go through them, the easier it gets.

It's like reps at the gym, you know?

38:43

It's just easier it gets.

And you have you, you find the tools that work for you and you have those to lean on.

And those are the kinds of things you don't get until you've like gone through a bunch of shit in your life, you know, like people who've gone through a whole bunch of shit, like look at the massive toolbox they've now acquired.

39:00

And like, it's your choice whether you use those tools or not.

It's like the universe is literally giving you these tools.

And if you're choosing to stay in sad soup, like you're, you're completely ignoring like the drain where you can just unplug it like, you know, like anyway, so that's the real human answer is like, no, I don't handle difficult situations any better.

39:24

Maybe I do because then I'm not stuck.

You know, before I used to have to ask 10 people to validate myself.

But now I sit with myself and I've just learned that I don't need external validation because my sovereign self method has helped me, you know, be comfortable with myself.

39:43

And like, if you want to work on this too, I'm opening up my calendar for one-on-one, you know, coaching for this.

Any women with big dreams and a scattered mind like this is the way we can help clarify stuff.

And you know, you can take you get clear on your next step towards, you know, living your dreams.

40:03

And like, maybe it's stuff like this, maybe it's building your toolbox.

I don't know, everyone's different.

But anyway, I'll put the link.

In the show notes and you can book a 15 minute call and we can see if we're a good fit for each other.

But like, that's the, that's the kind of stuff that when you can develop these tools to have to lean on and develop this self love, this self resilience to be able to navigate life with.

40:27

That's the thing that came to me in my out of body experience.

It's the thing that's making life that much easier.

And like, that's what I want to help people with, you know, and that that plus helping women like realize their dreams.

40:44

And this is the kind of stuff that I feel like is blocking you.

And once you can learn better ways to navigate this.

Like I said, I'm not qualified for diagnosing and stuff, but if you have those things you're already doing, this method that I can teach you would really help.

41:02

Anyway, enough about that.

So going back to the questions like if you've had shitty things happen to your life, I touched on this already, but like, who have you become because of those things?

41:19

Who were you before and who are you now?

Like who did you get the opportunity to rise into as a result of those things?

Because we've always, we always have a choice.

41:37

You can have a horrible thing happen to you an you could retreat into a den and maybe you're scared and you never leave the house again.

That's your choice and I'm sure people, This is why this episode is controversial.

I'm sure people can fight me on it and I know there's different extremes.

41:55

Like I just know that like from my own experience, if you're playing the victim card because you're choosing to play the victim card because maybe you have like a cortisol addiction or something like that's the time.

Like you don't need if if you are listening to this and you have a dream in your heart, but you're playing this victim card, that is a sign that you don't need to be stuck there anymore because there's something inside of you saying you don't want to be stuck there anymore.

42:27

That's why you're listening to this.

That's where I can help you.

Like that is perfect right there.

And I I recognize some people retreat into their home and they need more support than that.

I recognize that.

Just want to clarify.

42:42

OK, But like, who did you get the opportunity to rise into?

Like I said, I used to say I would never be friends with myself and now I feel like I'm the most confident version of me and I fucking love myself.

Let's go and I wouldn't have got that had I not gone through what I did.

42:58

I wouldn't be seizing the day carpe diem.

If you know, like I said about my friend, like sometimes we need stuff like that in our life to be like, holy fucking shit, what am I doing with my life?

You know, and you, you always have a choice.

43:13

You can look at that and be like, what am I doing with my life?

Or something horrible can happen and you can retreat.

Like, you know, you always have the choice.

You can rise into it, or you can let it get the better of you.

That's your choice.

Is your choice, which is why I also believe that if you're triggered by anything I've said, like I've said too, like I would recommend maybe seeking counseling for what you're going through if you're not already, because something that's being triggered in you, it's a gift again, it's happening for you that those triggers are a gift to show you exactly where you have wounds that need to be healed.

43:59

Things that come up like the triggers, yes, they're awful.

Do I want to be triggered?

No.

Do I want to be like seeing the ugly side of myself because someone triggered me?

No.

Absolutely fucking not.

But if we're using this advice, it's happening for you, not to you.

44:18

And you can look at it as, oh, I get triggered by my mom, for example, because that is showing me exactly where I still have work to do.

That doesn't make it OK or whatever, but it, if you, you can choose to look at it however you want.

44:40

If you want to sit there and be like, oh, my mom's such a horrible person and I can't believe she talks to me like that.

And she's always crossing my boundaries and like, I just can't, I just, I just can't deal with her.

I just can't live with her.

Or you sit there and you're like, that fucking sucked.

44:57

I don't want to have to be going through this.

Oh, what is this teaching me?

OK, how can I help myself here?

OK, how can I do things differently next time?

OK, what can I be aware of next time?

How can I bring this awareness into my life and how can I support myself through this next time?

45:14

What little things can I add to help myself next time?

Those are the differences, those are the choices.

And it's not so black and white as I'm painting it.

This is just for illustration purposes.

Every situation's going to be different, but like, that's the difference between thinking something's happening to you and thinking something's happening for you.

45:37

When you think something's happening to you, you're stuck in victim mode.

Let's just say both people have 10 days, OK, the situation happens and let's look at the ten days after.

We're just giving it an arbitrary number.

So we're going back to this like mom triggering scenario.

45:53

So like she triggers you and then for the next 10 days, victim mode person is just upset for 10 days.

They're still upset.

They're talking to everyone they know they're just complaining.

They're keeping the ball rolling.

They're just saying they're still upset.

But like, you know, they could be going around saying like, I'm such a positive person.

46:09

I'm such a happy person.

Maybe you are, but if you're letting this thing still upset you, you have work to do still.

Whereas the other person who's you know more on a healing path, they sit there for a day, which again, arbitrary numbers, they sit there for a day.

46:25

They're like, wow, that fucking sucked.

I'm really upset about that.

They process their emotions, they feel their emotions, and then for the next 9 days they're trying to support themselves and figure out new ways that they can handle things because they don't want to be stuck in sad soup land.

They want better for themselves.

46:42

So that's just one way to look at it.

And like I said, if you do feel triggered by any of this stuff I've said, I'm not the problem here.

I didn't make any of this up.

46:58

I have collected all this information throughout my life.

I am holding the mirror U for you.

Just like the situation with this mom, this hypothetical mom we're talking about, that person is holding up the mirror for you.

47:13

And what's coming up in you is what you need to work on.

That's the gift.

That's the thing that's happening for you.

Because if it was something that you didn't need to work on, it wouldn't be there.

It would be like when you open the window and you see that it's a sunny day.

47:32

You probably don't think much about it because you're like, all right.

Like you probably think more about it.

If it's raining, I need to get a coat.

I don't know, but like, use the thing to better yourself, to heal, to move on.

47:50

Do you not want to live a happy life?

I know you do.

That's why you're here.

That's why you're here.

Boo.

Hmm.

And I've kind of touched on this, but I'm going to like give another perspective.

It's Bashar.

I've talked about him before.

48:07

He says that anything that shows up in your life, even if it's something you don't prefer, is always something you can use in a positive way.

And like the examples I've said, those are the kinds of things like it's not the actual situation.

48:25

It's things like who you get to become and the thicker skin you get.

And and that's the positive way.

And he says when we do that, we've used up that thing and it leaves.

And this is what I'm saying about like the triggering mom in this hypothetical scenario.

48:43

Like when it no longer triggers you, that thing disappears and it it goes away and you get to move on.

And isn't that what you want anyway?

That's why you keep getting triggered so that you can move on.

48:59

Not to punish you, to help you build U the resilience so you can move on.

It is a gift.

That's why it's called the present.

We only ever have the present.

So what does this look like in practice?

49:21

How can you do this for yourself?

I feel like I kind of touched on this with my 10 days example that spontaneously came to me.

It's like, feel how you're going to feel.

Your emotions are not going to hurt you, although I say that and I have been on the receiving end of a panic attack.

49:45

So sometimes your emotions feel really big.

So again, I'm not, I'm not qualified as like an emotional therapist or anything.

I can't speak to the extremes of these.

50:01

But in my experience, your emotions are not going to hurt you.

And if you can feel them and you, you can move on from them, the faster, not the faster because like there's no time limit on it, but like when you can feel your feelings and move on, that's the way through it.

So something horrible happens.

50:18

Let yourself feel it.

If it's something huge, maybe space it out.

You don't have to sit there and feel bad.

Pardon me?

You don't have to sit there and feel bad for hours.

You can give yourself, OK, I'll feel bad for 5 minutes and then I have to feel good because it's too much to feel.

50:35

That's OK too.

Just allow yourself the time to process.

That's how I would suggest doing that.

Feel the feelings that accompany the bad thing, and then once they feel more manageable, that's when you can maybe start looking at this advice.

50:53

But if this advice starts to trigger you, you're not ready yet, and that's OK.

Give yourself the time you need.

That's the thing about this advice I was said right at the beginning, it's timing.

And no one can tell you what the right timing is for you.

You can only assess that once you feel ready.

51:12

So like I said, when to use this terrible advice after you've moved through the pain you're in, then this is a helpful perspective shift to remember.

And again, like how do you know you're ready to start looking at the positive versus when you need to still process?

51:31

Like I said, if you look at this advice and it feels awful or daunting, don't.

Maybe you're not there yet.

Maybe keep feeling, you know.

Don't rush yourself.

You're going to feel whatever you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it.

That's the thing with healing and and maybe you're meant to grow around it.

51:49

You know, maybe you're meant to be healing and be looking at this perspective.

It's OK, you don't, you don't have to force any of it.

That's like the biggest advice about this topic is like, allow it the space to breathe.

52:04

Don't try and control the outcome.

You know, just like the shitty situation was out of control.

Don't try and control this.

Do whatever you can to like feel happy in the moment.

Maybe that's like getting out a colouring book.

Maybe that's, you know, taking a bath or I don't know, anything that you can do to like feel a tiny little bit of relief from whatever you're going through.

52:26

Great, you know, and when you're ready to let the thing go, you'll know.

People always love to say that ready is not a feeling.

I completely disagree.

There are so many times I felt ready in my life.

There are so many times where I've known, OK, I want to let this thing go.

52:43

I want to move on and that's when you know, and then again, if anyone's been through anything extremely painful and like no matter how hard you try, like you genuinely can't find, you know that shift for it.

53:00

I, I would say that's probably what happened to the person who tried to fight me on social media because like they literally started their comment with, I've been through so much in my life, the least of which was cancer.

And again, I've said this several times.

53:17

I am not qualified to diagnose your trauma but have listened to the audiobook Loving What Is by Byron Katie.

She's got the four questions.

These questions are 1,000,000% life altering in the best way and I heard these examples of her taking people from these horrible situations and able to free themselves from the pain that they were feeling.

53:49

So you can read that book, you can Google what the four questions are.

They will show up and it is another way that you can shift your belief.

And again, it doesn't make that thing OK, That thing that happened to you, it does not make it OK.

But the four questions are like you write down the thing and like the first question is like, is it true?

54:10

And then can I absolutely know this is true?

And it's like, what would I have to believe to be true in order for this thing to be true or something like that.

I don't have the questions right in front of me.

And then the last one is like the turn around.

And that one's the hardest for people to understand.

54:28

But it's the whole thing about this advice is like there's some belief that's happening beneath the surface that you're believing to be true that is keeping you stuck.

And, and The thing is, when you're stuck, you're keeping.

54:43

It's like a prison of your own making because you have the keys to let yourself out.

You don't have to be stuck there.

It's your beliefs can shift in an instant like this.

This is you have the power to shift it.

55:03

And this is also why this advice is not helpful when you're, you know, feeling sad about something because it's so dismissive.

But you do actually have this power in life and I truly believe we need to feel our full spectrum of emotion and then claim our power and make sure that bitch don't happen ever again.

55:24

You know what I mean?

Like use it up and then get better stuff in the future?

I don't know.

That's what I think.

And, and the problem is people hear this advice and they they think it's about making that thing that happened to them OK, or it's about like forgiving that person that did that thing.

55:41

But that is not the point.

It's not about that at all.

And like, forgiveness is for you, not for the other person.

The other person isn't really part of the equation.

They're just holding up the mirror.

It's about basically applying.

55:57

This whole advice is about basically applying the IT is it is what it is theory.

I'm going to call this Mel Robbins says they'll let them theory.

I'm calling this the IT is what it is theory.

You're accepting that it happened, It happened, it's in the past.

56:15

There's literally nothing you can do about the past.

They always say it's that rocking horse thing.

You're just, you know, if you want to be upset about it, that's fine, But you're sitting on a rocking chair, just say rocking horse.

Same thing.

You're sitting on a rocking thing.

It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

56:33

Like that's the whole point of it.

It's literally getting you nowhere.

What benefit is it doing to you to just be upset about this thing that happened 20 years ago?

Nothing, Absolutely nothing.

What it's doing for you, though, it's showing you where you still need to heal.

Maybe it's showing you the shoes of the woman you still need to step into, but whatever happened to you in the past, it is what it is.

56:54

It happened, it's over, it's done, it happened.

It is what it is, except that it happened.

Process your emotions and be able to move past it.

I personally don't believe that you can do that if you're still harboring these emotions or victim mentality or resentment about what happened.

57:16

And the whole point of this advice is to free you so you can feel happy again.

You don't.

You don't want to feel triggered, like you don't want to feel triggered for the rest of your life.

Like don't you want to move on with your life?

Don't you want that, right?

57:34

And like people who are sitting there and their feelings and playing the victim card and who get triggered by this advice are not in a healed space.

You can think you're a happy, positive person, but like, if you're still feeling all those things, I'm sorry, you're not nihil.

Like, it's showing you still have work to do.

57:49

And that's a gift.

Like I want to be like, we all sit here and we're like, please just give me the answers.

The universe is like, OK, And it's giving you triggers and it's giving you these situations so that you'll have the answers you need to be able to move on.

Is that fun and pleasant all the time?

58:06

No.

And unfortunately, it's part of life and I want to see the happiness in life.

And I feel like this is the way to get there.

So OK, now we're into the juiciness.

58:21

Better questions to ask yourself, AKA the shift, the way you can use this terrible advice.

So what's something in your life right now that's causing you like, pain or stress or frustration that you're ready to just like, unplug the soup, get out of the sad soup and like, put down the baggage and like, move the fuck on?

58:45

How can you look at it differently to find the positive way to use it?

Like how can you look at like how is your life different?

How are you different?

Like if roles were reversed and you were giving this advice to a friend?

59:05

Like take yourself out of your life and imagine you're a friend looking at your life.

What would you tell them?

Who is this situation helping you become?

What is the situation helping you let go of?

59:23

Like what belief is it helping you shift?

What habit is it helping you shift?

What mindset is it helping you shift all these chefs help you get into the state, you know, the positive state so you can use it up like Bashar was saying in the past can GTFO.

59:40

You know, that's the whole, that's the whole point.

You know, we just want to be happy, and I believe that's how we get there.

And definitely using those four questions by Byron Katie is one of the biggest ways you can just let it go.

1:00:01

It's the biggest ways you can let it go see the positive and again, not the positive in the situation, the positive and what happened after that, who you became from it, all of that goodness.

OI really hope this helped you.

1:00:18

If you want some extra guidance in becoming more confident, my Sovereign Self Program is absolutely for you.

Book a free 15 minute call.

Let's chat.

And if you enjoyed what you listened to, Please remember to give a subscribe and a review.

1:00:36

Thank you so much I truly appreciate you.

So grateful and remember all your dreams are possible, all of them, every single one of them.

And getting through this advice is how you get there.

Using this stuff for positive is how you get there, how you believe your dreams are possible.

1:00:52

Don't you want that?

Don't you want the best life for you?

Use these things, let them go.

Move the fuck on.

That's the summary for the episode anyway.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, rest of your week, and I will see you in the next one.

Bye.