67. Call me rude, I don’t care aka the double standard people-pleasers are fighting against to be seen as kind people, and what I do about it instead
If you’ve ever worried that setting a boundary, putting your needs first, or not responding right away will make you seem rude, this episode is for you. I’m talking about the double standard people-pleasers are constantly fighting against: the pressure to be endlessly accommodating in order to be seen as kind. I share how this pattern shows up in my own life, why trying to control what other people think will never bring you peace, and what I’m learning to do instead. We’re flipping the definition of “rude” on its head and looking at what it really means to choose yourself.
In this episode, we talk about:
The double standard between being kind and being considered rude
Why people-pleasers are so afraid of being misunderstood
The fear of disappointing people or becoming the subject of negative gossip
How people-pleasing teaches you to put your needs aside
The ways you inconvenience yourself to keep other people comfortable
Why other people’s opinions have less to do with you than you think
How someone can decide you’re rude no matter how kind you are
Why setting boundaries and prioritizing yourself can feel uncomfortable
Learning to finish what you’re doing instead of immediately responding to other people
How to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable
My simple two-step formula for breaking people-pleasing habits
Using awareness and daily commitment to create new patterns
A card pull and a heart chakra sound healing moment
TRANSCRIPT
0:00
Call me rude, I don't care, but I used to care.
If you've ever worried that you'd be seen as rude, this is the episode for you.
Today we're talking about the double standard of being rude, how that shows up in life, and what I do instead.
0:18
That was way more aligned.
So grab a drink and get comfy, because today we're flipping definitions on their heads.
The secret to living a happy life is actually pretty simple.
You just need to learn to hear, trust, and follow your inner guidance above anything else.
0:37
But the problem is a lot of us, myself included.
Hi, I'm Carolina by the way.
We live in our heads or we're super emotional.
We're following someone else's rules, standards or beliefs unintentionally, and we're not hearing our guidance properly, if at all.
0:56
This show is about aligning your energy, learning to hear your inner guidance louder than your mind, and having the courage to say no thanks.
Unsubscribe to anything that doesn't match that.
I'm doing this exact thing in my life and I believe all our dreams are possible for us if we follow this simple formula.
1:17
Welcome to the No Thanks Unsubscribe podcast.
Hello, hello, hello, welcome, welcome.
1:32
Welcome to episode 67.
What up episode 67 and what up you?
How the heck are you?
How you doing today?
And what do you have to drink?
1:47
So importantly, I've put such an emphasis on staying hydrated, especially it's summer here in Canada, got to stay hydrated.
Has spent an hour out in the in the sun.
Well not really in the sun under an umbrella on the front lawn cause I don't want to get burnt.
2:06
No thanks, unsubscribe.
I've had too many bad sunburns in my life.
I don't want anymore.
No thank you.
And I don't like the feeling of sunscreen on my skin.
I feel gross and slimy and then like I have to shower.
2:24
And Full disclosure, I don't shower every day.
No thanks, unsubscribe.
Like I don't have always the energy for that and I'm prioritizing my energy.
Obviously if I smell, I'm going to shower because I'm not going to get in bed.
Gross.
But like, anyway, a little bit about me.
2:42
How about you?
What do we have to drink?
I have remnants of my electrolyte water.
I think I had the Berry 1 today and I grabbed myself a Raspberry iced tea.
3:00
I'll open it.
Who else like taps the can before you pop it?
There we are, let's take a sip together.
Hmm, so good.
A few episodes ago I was like all, all about the mango.
3:20
But lately I've flipped back to the Raspberry.
So isn't that kind of fun?
How we can have like a favorite thing and we're like obsessed with that favorite thing.
And then we just kind of roll on back to other things and it's like you have multiple favorite things and you just keep, I don't know, flowing between them like we flow through life.
3:42
I always like, I've seen too many movies, I've watched too much TV and like people will go in to their favorite coffee shop or their favorite sandwich shop and the person behind the counter is like, oh, hey, John, good to see you again.
Like the usual.
3:58
I've never been a person who's had the usual.
I've always wanted that kind of vibe where it's like, oh, I'd love to be able to walk into this place and have this person that I see every single day.
I know what my usual is but like also I want to change my mind and so I don't know, that's just a something I've wanted I've never had in my life.
4:22
But anyway, let's have a sip.
Cheers.
Thank you for showing up today and thank you to my lawn sitting that actually inspired this episode.
4:39
So exciting.
I had it in my calendar to record today.
I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to record.
As per usual, there's no plan around here.
We are flowing with life and this just came to me.
I was on the lawn, my neighbor was outside shirtless.
4:59
Not a good sign.
Like not not not not a fun thing to look at.
No shade, like no shame.
I'm not body shaming, just saying old man dad bud not my thing.
In case you were like ooh what a fun thing to look at.
5:16
No, not really.
He was just there, but because he was there and I was chanting, he didn't say anything to me.
But it got my mind going, you know, beautiful, like grounding.
So sitting in the grass, like really like a whole hour of grounding and then like, I don't know, it just came to me.
5:38
So what happens anyway?
We are going to pull an Oracle card because I love that and I pull for myself every morning anyway.
I always do a little knock on the deck to like shake off the stagnant energy.
5:58
I pull a card for myself every morning and I think it's a really nice way to like get a little like divine message.
And I'm practicing using my intuition.
If you follow me on social media, I have been talking about that there.
So I think this is a really fun way to practice using your intuition too.
6:18
I, I've started seeing some accounts where they're like, hey, like which one of these upturned cards is actually going to be this coffee cup?
And then you practice using your intuition.
So this is just another way to do that.
All right, here is your message for today.
6:38
This is so funny.
This is the card I posted in my stories the other day.
This is so funny.
When I'm connected to my joyful presence, I attract support from the universe.
So funny.
So fun.
Oh my gosh, what are the odds?
6:56
So good.
So good.
So good I have to put them back in the box.
I'm such like a like a tidy person that way.
I hate mess.
Anyway, we're going to since our topic today is being called rude and we don't care what people think or we don't want to care what people think.
7:26
We always don't want to care what people think.
But when you're raised as a people pleaser and you know a good girl, a good kid, you take that to heart and it can hurt your heart and it can weigh heavily on your heart.
And while it is like habits and like autopilot and thoughts that are really keeping you stuck, I feel like this comes down to your heart.
7:51
It really comes down to you want to be seen genuinely for who you are, as the pure kind soul that you are.
And when we fear that someone is going to call us rude, that affects us.
8:12
It affects our authenticity.
It affects our our heart, it affects who we are.
And so before we dive into this episode, I have the heart chakra tuning fork here.
We're going to do a quick 5 minutes together.
8:29
We're going to breathe together and you're just going to listen to this frequency to put your heart in a good place.
And then we'll talk about this topic and I will give you tips on how you can approach this moving forward.
8:45
And I'll give you my 2 step formula that helped me break these patterns.
They stopped controlling me.
They still show U I'm human.
It hurts my heart.
I want everyone to think everyone is beautiful and awesome, and it is so hard to feel that way with the double standards of society.
9:12
But these two steps that I'm going to share with you helped me more than therapy, more than self help books, more than understanding, more than speaking to the other person.
So we're going to get your heart ready with a quick heart chakra breathing, tuning fork exercise.
9:36
As a quick reminder as we go through this, do not do this if you are driving.
Keep your eyes open if you are driving, just make sure you're in a calm, safe space.
Use your discernment.
You are sovereign and be responsible while we go through this.
9:54
Focus on your breathing.
Don't change anything, just notice it going in and out.
Maybe before we start, we'll do a couple deep breaths together, so we'll go in through the nose, exhale through the mouth.
10:20
Again, inhale.
And exhale.
And again, inhale.
10:45
And exhale.
And we will begin.
16:09
As we come back, was he another deep breath in together through the nose and exhale through the mouth, wiggling your fingers and toes to feel back into your body, feeling the weight of your body in the chair if you're sitting or on your feet if you're standing.
16:42
Really bringing you back into this space.
Now I gotta get comfy again.
Woo, let's take a drink.
17:00
I don't know about you, but tuning forks have become like my favorite sound healing instrument.
Like I love the water sounds and like the ocean drum and I love the chimes and I have a flute.
17:19
Like I love that, but the way my body feels with the tuning forks is astronomical.
Like this.
17:36
These forks tune all your chakras.
Plus because there's nine forks and they're tuned to frequencies.
And it's so funny because like electricity, like my brothers an electrician and he tells me that electricity has to be a certain frequency.
17:55
It has to be vibrating at a certain frequency or else you're wall would like start a fire.
And like everything on earth is vibrating.
Even the earth has its own vibration.
Like astronauts were going U into space when they first started going up into space and they were getting sick and they looked into it and it's because the astronauts were away from the Earth's natural vibration.
18:24
It vibrates so low like you can't consciously feel it.
But when they put a frequency, I want to say it was like 8 Hertz, it was very, very slow.
And they put that in the space shuttle and the astronauts stopped getting sick.
18:40
So cool, cool beans.
I love little fun stories like that, fun facts like that.
But your body is also vibrating, like your body is made-up of atoms and atoms are vibrating.
18:56
And like all day when we're coming into contact with other things that vibrate that we're not made for your health.
Things like cars, like you drive in the car, you feel the vibration.
A car drives by you and it's loud.
You hear the vibration, you listen to it loud.
You go, you go to a concert or, or the club and you stand beside the speaker and you feel the vibration.
19:17
Like those are not always made with your health and mind.
Whereas these kind of tuning forks are, it's like the equivalent to having like a really good Reiki session where you're just aligning your energy or like a really good craniosacral session.
19:32
I know they all are nuanced and they do different things and they can focus on specific energies for you.
But for just a general like tune up, a sound healing session is really, really good.
I do offer like one-on-one sound healing sessions if you want to just go through the tuning forks and like what the hell, I'll try doing them virtually and I'll offer them for 50% off so that you want to be my Guinea pig.
19:58
There is a application to request a session on my website carolinaautumn.com back slash.
Private reset I think it is.
I'll put the link in the show notes.
I was not planning this.
20:14
This is not in my notes, but yeah, it's just like a one-on-one session.
Like we could go deeper, but just getting the tuning fork session and like if you can feel it through just this through that 5 minutes, imagine what an hour of that of deep rest and full tuning for the body would be.
20:34
The prices are are there on the website, so 50% off.
It's all in Canadian pricing.
I am Canadian and yeah what the hell, let's do it, let's do it. 50 off let's go.
20:52
Just if you want to be my Guinea pig and just for people listening to the show, you'll have to let me know in the in your application.
Like when I reach out to you that you heard it here and you let me know and I will give you the 50% off and I'll only run this, I don't know, summer 2026.
21:13
So if you're listening to this episode after September 1st, 2026, sorry, you missed a boat.
You missed it.
It's gone.
It left the port Raspberry iced tea.
21:29
Hmm, the best.
My boyfriend says that all the time.
Hmm, the best.
It's a quote from the Premier of Ontario.
My boyfriend thinks he is such a joke.
21:45
Like, he's so funny.
He will watch his press conferences just because this guy it's kind of a joke.
So so that I have no opinion.
22:01
This is not a political show.
Anyway getting to the topic at hand.
So how this shows U For me I feel like there's a double standard when it comes to being rude O like I'll be sitting here like meditating and someone will like knock on the door.
22:21
It's so easy for me to ignore my phone now.
I used to if someone messaged me or whatever I would have to respond right away.
I didn't want to be rude, but I've practiced so much.
It was so hard to not respond to people right away on my phone.
22:37
It was so hard.
It was, it made me feel hard in the sense that it made me feel so uncomfortable because I was going against what society expected.
I was going against what I believed everybody expected and to the point where it made me so uncomfortable when any alert came on my phone and my phone was just always on silent because I couldn't hear the notifications.
23:01
It was, it was an easy way for me to like distance myself from it.
And now my phone's always on silent anyway.
But if I see a notification, sometimes I'll read it and then I will leave it and I will walk away and like, I won't feel like I have to respond to it right away.
23:16
And it is, this is so worth it.
The work rate here is so worth it because it gives you peace.
You can go about your day because you're not feeling required to do things or follow these arbitrary rules that actually have a double standard.
23:38
Because if you're in the middle of doing something, you don't owe it to anybody to stop what you're doing.
Unless obviously it's an emergency, like someone caught off their finger or, I don't know, some kind of emergency, then yeah, sure, be a good person, stop what you're doing.
23:55
Obviously I don't mean that, but look at me defending myself.
Maybe we will have an episode on like defending yourself.
Good idea.
Hey fave, yes, you should love yourself this much.
24:13
You should have fun with yourself this much, because if you can't have fun with yourself this much, how are you going to have fun with other people this much?
You know, I just want to have fun in life.
Let's fucking go.
Let's have fun.
And I don't want to have to feel like I'm being rude or like I have these arbitrary obligations to people who are actually being rude to me.
24:35
So if I'm sitting here and I'm doing a meditation and I'm quiet and someone comes and knocks on my door and they want to talk to me, I shouldn't have to answer them.
But The thing is, they're at the door.
They know you're on the other side, and they knock and knock and then they start shouting hello, are you in there?
24:57
I know you're in there.
Hello.
And like, now who's being rude?
Because then they're like, fine, don't talk to me.
And you're like, dude, I'm just busy and I don't owe you an explanation.
Like I to get around the like roommates knocking on the door thing.
25:16
I've put signs on my door to like let people know what I'm up to.
I shouldn't have to fucking do that.
Like I should be able to go about my day and if I want to have a meditation, fine.
And if I'm feeling grumpy, I should be able to handle that on my own.
25:33
Because my old autopilot was to just be grumpy and like throw the grumpiness on anybody I came into contact with and they don't deserve that.
And I don't deserve that.
I deserve to have time to deal with my grumpiness or whatever on my own, but there are people in our lives who don't respect us and there are people in our lives who are going to, no matter what, cross your boundaries.
26:03
I have had an issue with my throat chakra for probably the majority of my life, but I've only been conscious of it recently.
And I have been having a lot of like tense jaw pain.
And I've been, I even made a video where I was like, hello chakra experts because I've noticed a shift.
26:27
But also I feel like I've been having more jaw pain recently.
And typically people would say it's because you're holding your tongue and stuff.
But when it comes to people being rude and people saying you're rude, I have tried to assert my boundaries in these situations.
26:47
And I'm the thing with the boundaries is like the other person isn't going to change their behavior no matter what you do.
You can put signs on the door, you can tell them ahead of time, you can plan till you're blue in the face.
But if the other person is like, they don't care, they're going to do whatever they want.
27:04
And at the end of the day, it comes down to you and your behavior and what you're going to do.
And at the end of the day, if you want to have this person in your life and you want to have peace, you have to get to a point where you feel you feel uncomfortable so much that eventually you're just like, I don't feel uncomfortable anymore.
27:26
This just is what it is.
I don't do this thing because the boundary is really changing your own behavior.
It's like the word boundaries really disguises changing your behavior because like that's what it is at the end of the day.
You have to set a boundary because you've because of these other people, you've crossed your own boundaries.
27:44
You're starting to behave in a way that you don't like and you can't do it anymore.
Hence, you know, the throat chakra pain or the jaw pain.
And like when you want to start asserting boundaries, really what that means is you have to change your habits.
27:59
You have to change your behavior.
This is how we do that.
That's what this episode is all about.
O no.
It feels like such a double standard to me because I'm sitting in here being quiet, doing my own thing.
They knock on the door.
28:14
Society says someone knocks on your door.
Especially such a boomer thing.
Someone knocks on your door, you have to answer.
If you are here, you have to answer.
If you're in the bathroom, you hurry yourself up and get to the door because you have to answer the door.
No thank you.
Unsubscribe.
No, but I was raised by a boomer and that's what I was told someone.
28:39
The phone rings, you answer the phone, someone knocks on the door, you answer that.
Someone talks to you, you answer them.
No matter what you're doing, you have to answer the other person.
I think that's a double standard because if I'm in the middle of doing something, I have the right to finish what I'm doing before I answer you.
28:57
Just because you show up at the door at sometime, just because you decide to call me at sometime, just because you decide you want to say something to me at some time, does not mean I need to drop everything.
They're going to answer you.
But it's a double standard because no matter whose vantage point you're looking at, one of the two people is being rude.
29:17
Society would say you're being rude if you don't answer, and also you're being rude for interrupting this person, but like, you don't always know you're interrupting that person.
And so first of all, we need to give each other grace because people are living their own fucking lives.
29:33
And like, if they're not available when you want to talk to them, that has nothing to do with you.
They're just living their life.
And vice versa, You're living your life and they show up.
It's not your responsibility to teach them that, that it has nothing to do with them.
29:54
That's their business.
They need to do the healing just like you're doing the healing, just like you're here right now.
So this shows up for me.
Like I said, in those situations, I was actually, the reason I thought of this when I was sitting on the lawn is because I was afraid my neighbor was going to say hello or say something to me and I was trying to meditate.
30:15
So he didn't actually, I don't know if I've ever spoken to him, but he didn't say anything to me.
I just he went about his business, live in his shirtless life and I went about my business in the shade under my little umbrella, meditating and it was great.
30:34
You do you Boo me, do me Boo.
And but, but that's not always the case because some people will talk to you regardless because they see you sitting there and they will make assumptions.
They will assume, oh, you're outside in public, therefore I can speak to you or or whatever.
30:52
And again, it has nothing to do with you.
Whatever their reaction is, it has nothing to do with you.
That took me a lifetime.
I'm still working on that where someone else's reaction has nothing to do with me.
But like I said, it shows up for you as feeling uncomfortable.
31:12
You feel uncomfortable because you don't want to be rude.
You don't want to be labeled because you're not rude.
You're just going about your life.
And that's the thing that's painful.
You're just going about your life.
You want to finish what you're doing, especially if you're type A like me, you want to finish what you're doing and like compartmentalize.
Like I'm in the middle of a meditation.
31:28
I will talk to you after.
If you are free, then we can talk then.
But like, I shouldn't have to stop what I'm doing to state that I should be able to just finish what I'm doing and then I will talk to you later.
And then if you're not free, we will connect later or maybe we won't connect at all.
31:44
But you're afraid of being mislabeled because you're just living your life.
You're just like living your life and like this person comes in and you're just afraid of being labeled.
You don't want to be misunderstood for who you are.
That is such a core wound for me.
I feel like I've always been misunderstood in my life.
32:01
And this is one of those ways I'm, I'm always afraid that I, I have to do what I'm told.
I, I have to do what I think I should do and what I think I should do because how I was raised, it's like how I was trained.
It's like you're trained to do something and it becomes a habit and then you have to unlearn that habit and learn a new one.
32:20
That's what we're doing here together.
And so you have to, it will feel uncomfortable.
Anything that's new will feel uncomfortable first.
It will always feel uncomfortable when you do something new the first time.
Maybe not always.
I'm sure there's sometimes situations where things don't feel uncomfortable, but typically when something is new, IT feels uncomfortable when you're doing it.
32:42
And you're right now with me learning new things that you should do, because let me tell you this, if no one ever told you this and if you're a people pleaser, no one probably did, is that you should.
Your only responsibility in life is learning to get to know yourself, learning to get to know yourself on all levels, learning to hear yourself above the voice in your head that actually isn't your voice that's coming.
33:10
It sounds like you because it's your head, but it's actually coming from your parents, your teachers, your role models, all of those people, your relatives, anybody who told you how you're supposed to behave and how you're supposed to be.
It's their voice really, that's in your head.
33:26
It's not really you.
So your job this lifetime is to cut through that shit and find beneath that who the fuck you are and be that person boldly and unapologetically.
That is authenticity.
33:42
That is alignment.
That is the key to happiness in this lifetime.
That's what you have to do.
This is how we get there.
We have to cut through the discomfort.
We have to feel uncomfortable until, until, until that thing goes away.
34:02
And I'm sorry, you can't skip the hard part.
I've tried for 20 years.
I studied self help books and tried to manifest in all that shit.
And people talk about quantum leaping.
Cool.
I believe in it, I really do.
But you can't skip the shit.
34:17
You still have to do the shadow work and the hard stuff because you're hanging on to that.
And that stuff's actually blocking you from those dream things coming in for you.
Things like being afraid that someone's going to say you're rude is the stuff that's blocking you.
34:34
I remember this.
I don't know if it was a quote, I don't know what it was, but it's like I'm in my villain era because villains, if you look at villains, they're so clear about what they want and they will do anything to get it.
And they don't care if anyone thinks they're rude.
34:49
Like they'll say what they need to say.
And sure, sometimes they are kind of being rude, but like they'll say what they need to say.
They'll do what they need to do to get to their end result.
And that's kind of how we should all live our lives.
Again, I think we should all be kind.
I think we should all be loving.
I think we should support each other.
35:05
I also don't think there's any competition in life.
I really feel like if we're all living in alignment, everyone will have their own thing.
There'll be more than enough for everybody and everything will be harmonious.
And I think the way to do that is just listening to your intuition.
35:22
I'm sure like at first I couldn't hear my intuition.
It took forever.
I, I started this journey.
I started this journey actually with in today's, I want to say I learned about my human design 1st and that kind of get me got me on this whole like intuition journey.
35:44
But really starting intuitive eating really got me like realizing that I don't know, I can't remember the timeline which one I found first, but that really made me realize that I don't know my own body cues whatsoever.
And so once you can learn those things, and once you can learn what's right for you, that is how everyone will live harmoniously.
36:09
Authenticity and everything will be perfect and aligned.
And I feel like beneath the shoulds, beneath the fear of being rude, you do know that you want to keep doing what you want to do.
But it took me.
36:27
Oh, yeah, that's where I was.
I think it was 2021.
So it's been like five years and I'm still learning because it's so easy to fall back into old habits.
My habit is listening to my head.
My habit is not listening to my intuition.
And my intuition when they taught it in human design was really confusing because your brain gets involved when you've been living in your brain.
36:48
So it's been, it's been taking me a long time, but like, I'm, I'm trying now.
I'm at a point now where I'm so desperate in my life, I'm just saying fuck it.
Like anything, I'm going full bore on this intuition thing and like for every area of my life.
37:05
And I'm practicing with the tarot cards and I practice when I go outside.
I used to practice when I would go for a walk.
And so like I need to practice that again.
And like just little things, even with my clothing, it's like I'll touch something and I'll feel, it's easier for me to feel my intuition if I'm holding the thing because I feel like I'm connected to that energy more.
37:25
And so I'll like hold the thing if I feel lit U, I'm doing that thing and I don't have to think about it.
It's actually really nice.
It is so peaceful to not have to think about anything.
And you just let your intuition tell you.
And that is literally my mission.
That is what I'm doing.
37:41
I am doing that for everything and I'm going to see how it goes.
If you want to follow along with that journey, hit the hit the I don't know what it is, follow button or subscribe button.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, follow along with my journey.
But anyway, it's going to feel uncomfortable when you're breaking those habits because their habits for a reason.
38:00
And you've been doing like, how old are you?
You've been doing them for how long?
And it's just, it's not serving you at the end of the day because you're putting yourself at the end of the day.
If you're afraid that the other person thinks you're rude, you're putting their thoughts above your own.
You're putting their beliefs above your own.
38:17
Like what are you afraid of?
Like what do you want for yourself?
Do you want to put all these other people first?
Because if you do, you're in the wrong place.
This is not the show for you, but if you want to put yourself first, you have to.
I I read this recently and I'm sure I've read it before, but like, you have to be OK with being misunderstood if you're going to put yourself first.
38:41
Otherwise you're going to be explaining yourself to your blue in the face.
And I don't know about you, but I don't want to do that.
No thanks.
Unsubscribe.
And the other thing is, is I was always afraid that they were going to spread negative gossip about me.
39:00
But that's not my business.
It's not your business what someone else thinks, what someone else does, that's their business.
I will continue telling this until I'm blue in the face, but there's three types of business and I forget where I learned to this.
39:21
I want to say Byron, Katie, but I can't remember.
There's three types of business.
There's your business, and that's the things you can control.
And then there's the other person's business, and that's the things that only they can control, that you can't control at all.
39:40
You can't control what someone else thinks you can't.
They're going to think whatever they think.
They're coming at life from their own life experience, just like you are, from their own perspective, just like you are.
And everyone is entitled to come at life that way.
39:56
And there's nothing you can do or say that's going to change that.
And so you're wasting your time.
A little tough love moment, you're wasting your time.
O there's your business, there's their business and then there's God's business or the universe's business, whatever you want to call it.
40:12
And that is things like the weather, the, you know, like the, the amount of traffic on the road, like you can't control it.
It just is.
And you're essentially suffering for no reason because there's nothing you can do about it.
40:32
Try and focus on the things you can control.
And that's the thing about boundaries.
The thing you can control in this scenario of being rude is how you respond, how you show up and if you want to show up and keep putting yourself last.
40:48
Like I said, this is not the show for you.
But if you want to start living your life and putting your life first, hello, welcome.
Let's be friends and you have to start feeling uncomfortable.
You have to not be afraid that they're going to misunderstand you.
41:05
You have to be OK with going against what you think you should do because trust me, it is so much happier and so much more peaceful on the other side.
And don't worry about what they're going to say or do.
It's none of your business.
41:23
So that's how that shows up.
And like I said, the habits that are playing out for you are like, you're putting your needs aside because this person's like, hey, I want to talk to you and you're in the middle of something and you're inconveniencing yourself because you're convincing the other person.
41:40
And that's so it's such a double standard.
Like it's so fucked up.
Why should you have to put yourself aside?
You're not a customer service Rep.
Maybe you are, but like your life is not customer service.
It's not.
You deserve to finish doing what you're doing.
You deserve to get through what you're doing.
41:57
You don't have to explain yourself.
The other habit laying out is like you're making the other person comfortable.
You're literally making yourself uncomfortable because you're making the other person comfortable.
Like it's so fucked.
It's so to.
It's so double standard.
42:14
And then I don't know about you, but like your reaction is in responding to the other person and like I'm frustrated because I'm being interrupted and then I'm reacting in this frustrated way and I don't want to be frustrated.
I want to be peaceful and loving to everybody.
42:33
Confirmation from Spirit.
I want to be peaceful and loving to everyone, and I can't do that when I'm responding out of this reaction, when I'm responding out of this place where I'm annoyed.
42:53
And the way through that, like I said, is getting to a place where you recognize that that's not your business, where you you feel uncomfortable until you don't care anymore.
Like I do with my phone.
You can text me and I'll text you when I get back.
43:09
Like if I'm on my phone and I'm in a good place, I'll text you right away.
Maybe I'll text you in a couple days.
I don't know.
It is what it is.
That was the first easiest place for me to apply this because they're not actually standing there.
So I don't have to react to them in that way.
43:26
And like I said, it started with me feeling so even afraid of my phone anytime anybody messaged me because I felt so required respond.
And then eventually I just don't care.
They'll message me or I'll get emails.
And I used to get so upset and anxious because I'd be like, Oh my God, I have to respond.
43:42
But I don't care anymore.
I don't care.
I'll respond to you whenever I can.
You know, like I don't care.
Start with your phone if you if you are having struggling the way I was.
So like I said, this pattern is harmful for you.
44:00
Like what's the alternative?
You know you're either being harmful to you or maybe they'll view it as being harmful to them, but really, at the end of the day, you're respecting both of you because nobody should have precedence over your life except you.
44:16
You deserve to find peace.
And like other people go around being rude all the time.
And I'm not saying that makes it right, but I'm just saying like we're so afraid of being called rude, but people are rude all the time.
And maybe the problem is the definition of rude.
44:34
Like maybe we wouldn't maybe that, that maybe we shouldn't put so much weight on the definition.
Maybe it's not such a negative thing.
Maybe we should embrace it.
Maybe it's like actually a form of self respect.
I really obviously it just, Oh my goodness, I can't talk today.
44:53
Obviously it depends on the situation and what's being said and whatever, but I think you get what I mean.
And anything that you're thinking in your head, I really want to encourage you to flip the narrative and like, think about it the other way.
45:10
Like if you're afraid the other person thinks you're going to be rude, what if they don't?
If you're afraid of being misunderstood, what if they do understand?
What if they're like, wow, that's so cool that you're empowering yourself.
Maybe I can do that for myself.
And like, what if you think it's something you should do, but the other person doesn't think it's something you should do?
45:32
And like, what if you're afraid they're going to spread negative gossip about you?
But like, what if they actually go around saying, wow, I'm so inspired by what this person's doing.
Like my brain is autopilot into like negative territory because the people around me, that's their autopilot.
45:51
That's what I learned.
And so I have to flip the narratives on my, on its head all day long.
And it's like a, an argument inside my head.
I, I've gotten to a point where I recognize these thoughts so quickly now.
And I will what if in the other direction, in my head, it'll be like, well, what if they misunderstand me?
46:11
And I'll be like, what if they don't?
And I will feel mental peace immediately.
So steal that, steal that.
And if you're not at a place where you can recognize it right away, I get that.
I was there my entire life when people are like just let it go, just choose peace, just whatever.
46:29
And you're like, I can't because you're so stuck in your autopilot habits.
I get that.
I'm going to get to my 2 steps and that's this is what I did.
It took me 40 years to learn these two steps and I learned them on my own.
I didn't even learn them from anyone specifically.
I put them together and they worked.
46:45
None of my therapy worked, none of my self help books worked.
This worked to actually break my habits.
So steal these.
Just quickly, um, I think I spoke out of order for my notes.
47:03
So just quickly to recap the reality.
I'll get to my, my 2 steps in a minute.
But the reality is they're going to think whatever they want to think, they're going to say whatever they want to say.
47:19
And whatever they think can say has actually nothing to do with you.
Because like I said, these people come from their own vantage point, their own experience in life.
So anything that they do and say is coloured by their own life experience anyway.
So really, and life is a mirror.
47:34
So really at the end of the day, everything they're saying and doing has nothing to do with you.
And once you can embody this, and it's so easy to say, it's harder to do.
To be fair, I'm halfway there, I would say.
But when you can embody this, it is so much more peaceful.
47:51
Knowing that what people say and do has nothing to do with you is so much more peaceful.
Because then they can say things and you'll be like, oh, OK, that's just you being you, you being weird, you, you being your own quirky self.
And all of us are quirky in our own ways.
And also people make U stories in their minds.
48:11
Like so many times I remember things one way and someone else will remember things another way.
And so like, there's nothing you can do about that.
Like it is what it is.
They're in their own head.
You're not in their head.
There's nothing you can do.
And the other thing, and I don't think I've said this yet, is like they're going to say whatever, no matter whether you were rude or not.
48:38
Like you could still be bending over backwards and doing everything kind and then they could say that you were rude at the end of the day.
Like you could be super nice and they can still go around saying you're rude.
So really it's not worth your piece to bend over backwards.
O what to do instead.
48:57
Like I said, the only way out is through.
You can't skip over it unless you can magically listen to what I had to say and poof your healed.
Like here you go poof your healed.
I hope that for you.
I wish that for you.
I wish you don't have to go through what I'm going through.
I wish that with hearing this episode.
49:14
This can help you way quicker than I was helped in my life.
I really wish that for you and you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
If you, if you end up going through a journey like me, you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
That's really the like this is not one of the two steps, but this is the first.
49:34
It's the pre, the pre step you're going to, it's going to be uncomfortable.
You're breaking a habit.
You know, like if you're, if you're so used to imagine if you're, you're so used to walking forward and then all of a sudden you're like, OK, I'm going to moonwalk everywhere.
49:51
Like it's going to feel uncomfortable to have to walk backwards everywhere you're going.
It's, it's just it, that's exactly what's happening with your habits.
You're changing it that drastically, like it's, it's that much of a difference.
So, and at the end of the day, like I said, you have to put your own needs first.
50:11
Do you want peace?
Do you want to feel calm?
Do you want to feel in charge of your own life?
This is this is the first step.
You deserve to finish what you're doing.
Someone else interrupting you, which is rude by the way, does not automatically make you rude.
50:31
If you want to finish what you're doing and you don't have to, you don't owe them anything.
O This is my way through that two step formula.
Step one, practice awareness.
You're taking the pressure off yourself because what I found is like, you go into it and you're like, I have to change my behavior.
50:53
I have to change my habits.
Yes, that's true, but you can't change your behavior until you're at a place where you can recognize it in the moment.
O take the pressure off of change and put it first on awareness.
51:09
Start recognizing your behavior.
Know that this will take a little bit of time.
OK, this did not happen overnight for me.
It took, I don't even know how long because every situation is different.
So sometimes you think you're way ahead and then a situation you wake U and you're tired and then a situation gets thrown at you and then you're completely off the rails again.
51:31
So I don't have a timeline for you.
Also, I think everyone's different and everyone's situation is different, so I can't help you in that department, but know that it's going to take time because you're changing your habits and like how old are you?
You have that many years of experience practicing and now you have 0 years experience starting today, moving forward.
51:50
So like give yourself some grace and the first step is awareness.
You're going to start noticing your behavior.
You're not changing anything.
You're just going to recognize that you acted out of an old habit and you're going to give yourself gratitude for recognizing it.
52:10
And so for example, let's say, um, someone knocks on your door and you get frustrated and you stop what you're doing and you yell and you go to talk to that person and say you don't recognize that you did that because you're so caught U in the reaction spiral and you notice it like 4 days later.
52:32
That's OK.
In that moment that you recognize it, give yourself gratitude and say, oh, OK, I did this thing.
Every time you start noticing it, it's going to get quicker and quicker and quicker.
52:48
Like it started for me where I would notice it like a week later, days later.
And then I started noticing it like later that day and then noticing it like an hour later.
And then sometimes I notice it right after.
I react that way and I'm not even out of place yet where I notice it all the time in the moment.
53:09
I still my reaction happens first, but this did happen to me today after my lawn thing actually while I was still on the lawn but not with the neighbor.
This did happen to me, which was kind of synchronicity.
It kind of like proved that I had to record this today, but I was in the middle of doing something and I got hollered at like, hey, blah, blah, blah.
53:34
And I ignored them.
I still felt awful, but I ignored them because I was in the middle of something and I was going to turn around and say something when I was done and they slammed the door instead.
So that's their business.
And I sat there and I talked through myself in my head again, like, that's their business.
53:54
Their reaction is their business.
I have the right to finish what I'm doing, blah blah blah, and like I said, it inspired this so synchronicity.
It was beautiful.
So you just practice that awareness and props to yourself for recognizing it.
54:09
And that's step one, and it'll just start getting faster and faster and faster.
And Step 2, which I didn't do then, but I started doing now, is when you're changing certain behaviors like this, you need a reminder for yourself every single day that you're doing this because it is so easy to fall back into old habits.
54:30
And yes, you're saying you want to do this thing.
And yes, it's important to you.
And also life gets lifey.
And so having this reminder that you're like, Oh yeah, I'm doing this thing that will help speed things up.
And so I want to recommend putting like a reminder in your phone.
54:52
And it's going to be different for everyone, for every situation, but something like when I'm busy and someone asks me for something, I don't need to respond.
I can finish what I'm doing, they can wait and they will get my attention when I'm no longer busy.
Like something like that to remind you of the type of person that you would rather be, the type of behavior you would rather exhibit.
55:16
And you don't have to do anything with this reminder other than read it and recommit it to yourself every day because you're reminding yourself, Oh yeah, I'm doing this thing.
Because if you're anything like me and like, for a long time, I hated myself and I hated the way I was behaving.
55:34
I hated the way I was showing up for life.
And in some ways, I still feel that way.
I love myself wholly now, but in a lot of ways I don't like the way I'm showing U.
And so I'm committing to myself every single day with my resets.
I reset three times a day and I call these kind of kind of resets.
55:51
You can call this like a commitment, you can call it like a reminder or whatever you want to call it.
I call it reset because I'm hitting the reset button on me to factory settings because I believe factory settings is not the way I was raised, it's not the way I was molded to be.
56:08
So I hit the reset button, I call them resets and I reset to who I'm becoming, to my authenticity, to my Oh my goodness, to my authenticity, to the way I actually want to show up, to who I am and who I wanna be.
56:30
And that's it.
You're going to two steps.
You're going to practice awareness and you're going to recommit to yourself daily however you want to call that however you want to do that.
You need it front and centre that you're changing it and you're just practicing awareness.
These are so much easier than any kind of steps I've ever gotten in therapy because a lot of the times they're giving you action steps and these two, these two steps, these are actions.
56:55
These are actions for you and any of the other steps where it's like, oh, count backwards from 10 or like even any of the somatic stuff where it's like ground into into your body, even stuff that I say feel gravity, feel your feet, blah, blah, blah.
57:11
It's like, yeah, those are great.
But like you don't remember them in the moment, so they're not helpful.
And then when you remember days later, like the best thing to remember is just to give yourself grace and give yourself gratitude and just note it.
Oh, I did this thing.
57:27
OK, recommit to myself, that's what you do at first.
Then we can talk about changing the habits and changing the behaviors.
But these are the 1st 2 steps.
These are stripped down, bare basics and I don't think people that are healed can see it this way because they're not in the trenches like we are living in the struggle.
57:51
So this is how I got out.
This is how I could at least see the light, because it was real dark, and this is how I could see the light.
So yeah, let them think you're rude.
Let them.
They're going to think whatever the fuck they want to think anyway.
58:09
So do what's right for you.
Do what's aligned for you, whether that's following my advice or not like you do you Boo.
At the end of the day though, choose yourself.
Choose your authenticity.
58:25
Learn to listen to yourself.
Stay hydrated and let them.
Let them think you're rude.
If the alternative is choosing your piece, let them think you're rude.
Like if you're going to lose your piece to make them like you can't, they can't.
58:43
You can't control what they think anyway, so just let them.
That's all for today's episode.
Thank you so much for hanging out with me and I will see you in the next one.
Bye.
